Day 9 | October 9

The end of Day 9 of my whole 30 found me, at 1 in the morning, eating Ben & Jerry’s out of the pint on my couch.

Say what?!

The day was pretty much a perfect storm. Or, I guess, a storm of imperfection.

I’ve been waking up the past few days not very hungry, which means that today I ended up grazing over a very small amount of food for the entire morning. By 11:00 I had the beginnings of a headache, and I chose to wait it out. By noon my headache was raging. Inside my brain, my thoughts were attacking and I was quickly losing a battle.

By 12:30, I was pulling through the drive through at Starbucks.

My instinct is to hide from this. My instinct is to “protect” myself in all the ways that I know best: don’t tell anyone, don’t admit it to myself, don’t try to change. After all, change is hard. Staying the same is “easier”. Except that it’s really not.

So, for me, and for not hiding in shame, everything I ate today:

  • sauteed mushrooms
  • black olives
  • banana
  • tall raspberry mocha, 1/2 syrups
  • honeycrisp apple
  • gogo squeeze applesauce
  • annie’s frozen mac & cheese
  • potato chips & dip
  • Ben & Jerry’s

I want to offer kindness to myself. Desperately. But I’m not sure what that looks like yet. Here’s what I do know: I am a self-sabotager. I look at life as pass/fail, and I set myself up to fail. Often.

So now I’m asking myself, what do I choose moving forward? Why do I think that progress is only progress if it’s perfect? Why did I walk myself into this situation, again?

I guess I have taken my first step in moving forward, by putting these words here. Instead of covering my pain in shame and hiding, my words here, freely (if uncertainly) shared, are my kindness.

I am choosing to lean in, not out.

Here’s to today, messy and imperfect.

Here’s to moving forward, still messy, and here’s to making peace with living imperfect. Because the imperfect is not going anywhere.

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